The Power of People Who Believe in You
I was 24, and I had been an Editorial Assistant for about eight months. I was attending my first professional conference, helping my boss, a senior acquisitions editor, as he met with authors. The company I worked for was a sponsor of this conference, and held a huge dinner for authors and clients every year. I shadowed my boss during the cocktail hour, feeling a bit awed as he introduced me to some of our bestselling authors, putting faces to the names I’d seen on book covers for the past several months.
During a little lull, my boss pulled me aside, holding his scotch as he leaned over a railing.
“You know,” he said. “You can do this.”
I tilted my head. “What do you mean?”
“You can be an editor. You’ve got what it takes.”
“You really think so?” I asked.
“Absolutely,” he answered.
I will never forget that moment. It was the moment I decided that I wanted to be an acquisitions editor. It was the moment I believed I could. And two years later, I was.
Albert Bandura also saw how powerful this kind of honest, genuine encouragement (what he called verbal persuasion) from someone credible and trustworthy could be in building up our self-efficacy (our belief in our own ability to accomplish a goal). The most powerful way to build self-efficacy is through mastery experiences - small wins that build your confidence and competence. Another way is through vicarious experiences - learning from successful people who are similar to you. Verbal persuasion is the third way.
But verbal persuasion can’t come from just anyone, and it can’t be delivered in the wrong way. There are five defining characteristics of verbal persuasion that will actually build your self efficacy:
It matters who it’s from.
You won’t care or take it seriously if this encouragement doesn’t come from someone you respect, who has credibility regarding the goal you’re trying to accomplish. This is why, for writers, as much as we might love encouragement from our spouse or family member, it might not mean as much as hearing the same encouragement from an experienced author or editor. That doesn’t mean spouses and family members should give up encouraging writers! It just means that it’s important for you to build relationships with people with authority as well.
And if you have a stubborn streak, like me, then the reverse experience might also have the same effect: If someone you don’t respect discourages you from accomplishing something, you might be even more motivated to achieve it, just to prove them wrong!
Either way, when it comes to verbal persuasion, the messenger is just as important as the message itself.
It matters that it’s personalized.
I could sit here and write beautiful encouragements for a wide audience of writers (and I do on my Instagram account), but I know that they don’t have as much impact, and won’t be as effective at building your self-efficacy, as encouragement that is tailored for you. In fact, this is a lot of my coaching work: getting to know writers and deeply understanding their book so that I can give them customized, constructive feedback and encouragement that is unique to them.
This is why I believe how you choose to grow as a writer is so important. You can take online courses and even cohort-based courses to learn many good skills, but the most powerful learning experiences will give you feedback and encouragement that is entirely for you. Whether it’s coaching or joining a very small writing group or finding a writing partner, look for those experiences where you can get personalized feedback.
It matters that it’s realistic.
This is where verbal persuasion collides with mastery experiences. If you’ve experienced some small writing wins before, then receiving encouragement that validates those experiences will be more believable.
“Persuasory efficacy attributions have their greatest impact on people who have some reason to believe that they can produce effects through their actions.” - Albert Bandura
Even though I responded with “Really?” when my boss told me I could be an acquisitions editor, in my head I was matching what he told me up against what I had seen in my own experience:
- I loved meeting our authors and getting to know them.
- Even though I was still relatively new, many of our authors already relied on me as their go-to person.
- I had experience editing in previous roles, and I had always received positive feedback.
- I knew that I had the ambition and drive necessary to meet signings quotas and revenue goals, and I was already contributing to the company in a way that led to higher sales.
In other words, the proof was there already, and his encouragement helped me see it and believe it much more quickly than I might have without his words.
Keep building up your small writing wins, and pay attention to what they’re telling you about your own capabilities!
It matters that it’s genuine.
Has someone ever given you “encouragement” that you knew was fake? Maybe they had their own agenda, and getting you to do something actually helped them more than it helped you. Most of us can tell when this is happening, and it damages our confidence in that person as well as our desire to take on whatever it is they’re encouraging us to do.
Someone who truly believes in you will give it to you straight, regardless of whether it impacts them. Often they’ll take the time to provide sometimes difficult feedback to you, precisely because they believe in your abilities and want to help you accomplish even more, for your own benefit. Sometimes this type of encouragement is hard to hear—but if you know it’s genuinely for your benefit, it’s easier to believe.
Once after an email exchange with an author, in which I had unnecessarily confused things and drawn out what we were trying to accomplish, my boss gave me some feedback that I’ve never forgotten: “You have to be willing to just call them.” As an introvert (and perhaps because I’m a Millennial, too), my instinct was to avoid picking up the phone at all costs. But my boss knew that this was holding my team back from being efficient, and it was possibly damaging my relationship with that author. Since then, anytime I sense that email is counterproductive to our goals and/or damaging the relationship, I don’t hesitate to get on a call (now it’s usually a video call). I’m grateful for his feedback, because it made me a better editor and a better teammate.
It matters that it’s sustained.
Sometimes a single word of encouragement can make a difference, it’s true. But often we look for evidence that the encourager really believes what they said. Are they following it up with actions? Will they stand by their words even when I make mistakes? Will they feel differently in six months or a year?
For me, those encouraging words from my boss were just the beginning. He mentored me for the next six years, even after I moved up and took over my own list of books, until he retired in 2019. I knew—and still know—he believes in me, because he continues to back up those words he said to me all those years ago.
“Social persuasion involves much more than fleeting pep talks.” - Albert Bandura
Think about the people who do this for you. It may be a short list, and that’s ok. Those are the people to take seriously, and to learn and grow from.
Mentor other writers.
If you think about it, this is all good advice for people who want to mentor other writers, too. I take these actions and insights seriously in my coaching, and I hope many of my authors feel this from me. Here’s how you can be a better mentor to other writers and grow their self-efficacy:
- Be trustworthy. Work on your own art so that you have credibility.
- Take time to get to know other writers. Really absorb their work and think deeply about it so you have customized insights to share.
- Make sure your feedback is realistic and doable.
- Don’t shy away from giving difficult feedback that will make them better.
- Follow up your words with actions and more words.
